"Ripped away"

Ripped away
Tiny feet, hands, toes
Skin so soft, sparkling eyes

Ripped away
Holding you, kissing you, rocking you
Reading books, singing songs
Dancing, learning,
teaching each other about life

Ripped away
Sorry I couldn't save you
Saddened I'll never see you grow
My dear sweet, beautiful, little flower

Ripped away
My heart
My soul

— Brent Conklin, Dec. 13, 2008

Wondering

I spent yesterday wondering what you would look like at two weeks old. What little mannerisms would you have? What would you look like in a year? In 18 years? What would you be when you grew up? Would you be calm and patient like your dad? Or always on the go, like me?

More than anything I want see your little face again and get to know you, experience you, touch and smell you. I hope it will hurt less today than it did yesterday and that tomorrow will be even better still. But, somehow, I think not.

We miss you so much it aches. No matter how far we run, you are always on our minds.

Happy Thanksgiving

We miss you Lilly and we're thankful for every moment we spent with you.

Our flower

We laid Lillian's remains to rest today under a setting sun and crisp, blue sky in the garden at Christ Episcopal Church in Bradenton. It is a beautiful little oasis in this frenetic world. Our little flower joins roses, hibiscus and birds of paradise already in bloom. St. Francis (a soothing water fountain/statue) keeps watch over it all. It's comforting to know she's in such a wonderful place. She'll forever hear the choir singing, the church bells ringing and the sounds of the children at the Episcopal school just next door. We'll also get to visit her every Sunday after church.

Now she's in God's arms, where she will be watched over and, in turn, watch over us.

We love you, Lilly Rose. May God bless your precious, little soul.

Little Lilly Rose

We're still in such shock and I think we will be for a very long time. But in a lot of ways we're very lucky to have each other and the love and support of all of our friends, family and our church.

Lilly Rose lived exactly 40 weeks until her due date. In the end, her umbilical cord got tangled around her little neck as she was making her final move to get ready for her grand entrance. It was a terrible and horrible accident and one from which we will never recover.

At 2:30 p.m. Thursday we were at the doctor for our weekly visit and heard her strong little heart beat. The doctor reassured us that she was a perfect size and that she would be born within the week. Sadly, less than 12 hours later she was gone. Jennifer noticed that she wasn't kicking at her usual times and we went into the hospital to check things out, knowing for sure that we were overreacting with first-time parent jitters. We weren't. By the time we got to the hospital, she was already gone.

Jennifer had to go through the long, heartbreaking process of birthing a baby that we knew was already gone into God's arms. She was in labor for 26 hours and had a difficult delivery. But in the end, we were able to hold our beautiful baby girl for awhile. She was 7 pounds, 6 ounces and 20 inches long. She had Brent's lips and Jennifer's nose and she was already loved by so many people.

We've been overwhelmed by the love that has surrounded us during this time. And we're more grateful than you'll ever know. We're slowly starting the healing process. For Jennifer that is physical as well as emotional, but we're doing it together and with God's help, the way we do everything.

Right now, we're concentrating on Lilly Rose's memorial service tomorrow. After that, we'll leave town for awhile to try to heal away from this place that feels so empty without her little cries. We'll continue to stay in contact, but we need to be away from here for awhile.

Lillian Rose Conklin

With broken hearts, we announce the birth and death of our beautiful daughter, Lillian Rose Conklin, on Nov. 15. She was much loved during her short time here with us.

A memorial service will be held at noon Wednesday, Nov. 19, in the chapel at Christ Episcopal Church, 4030 Manatee Ave. W., Bradenton, FL.

In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made in Lillian’s name to Christ Episcopal Church.

Due date number 2

Well today was the day the doctor thought the baby was due. But sadly, I'm still at 1 cm so she probably won't make her debut today.

At this point, Brent and I are really hoping for Monday 11/17, its the anniversary of our first date and seems poetic somehow. But, frankly, I'll just be happy to see her whenever she gets here. The doctor says she won't let me go more than a week, so one way or the other, there will be a baby by the end of next week. Despite that, the doctor says there is no worry about her size, she's thinks she's in the 7 pound range.

In the last day or two she's really started to wear me out. I can't explain it, but all of a sudden I'm exhausted and she seems so heavy. I know it would be best for me to be out walking to encourage her to come, but frankly I'm just too tired. So, I'm finally taking everyone's advice and resting. Although, yes, I'm also still trying to get things done between naps.

My goal for today is to go buy some groceries, we're pretty much out of food, which will be really inconvenient if she does come. Since I doubt we'll have time to buy groceries after she's here. Of course, I've been avoiding the grocery store because I'm tired of buying the kinds of food I can eat with my gestational diabetes. I guess I was hoping if I could put it off she'd come and then I could eat whatever I want. I'm really craving some carbs, mmmm mashed potatoes.

It's 11-11

Well, we're smack in the middle of "our" due date (11-9) and the doc's due date (11-13).

Our three-day weekend certainly flew by. Back to work for Brent today :(

We saw a movie Monday night, The Duchess with Keira Knightley. We continued to tie up loose ends the rest of the weekend (yard work, house cleaning, laundry, etc.) with a good bit of relaxing. Monday afternoon included some viewing of a few baby reality shows on Discovery Health.

Some other highlights of the weekend:

* We bought the baby a hamper.
* Herald got a bath.
* We gave Dreamfield's low-carb pasta a try (pretty good actually).
* We picked up some petunia's, and tomato, basil, eggplant, pepper, cilantro and sage plants at Lowes. Hopefully the sage will be bountiful enough come Thanksgiving to use with our turkey recipe.
* We played a mean game of Skip-bo after getting home from the movie.

More room decor: The wall above the crib

Halloween costume

Maternity leave and dates

Well, today was Jennifer's last day of work. And, it was a long day at that.

We started with our usual tests at the hospital at noon and then headed straight into the east office to do some training before Jennifer becomes unavailable for the next three months. We just got home from work at about 1 a.m. but Jennifer is feeling fine. She tied up all the loose ends she could think of and shut up her office.

Now, its just a waiting game. So here are the dates that Brent likes for the baby's birthday. (And, yes, some of them have already passed.)

11/1 - For symmetry reasons
11/3 - Because its 1-1-3 just like Brent's b-day (1/13)
11/4 - For historic importance
11/5 - Because she would share her birthday with her godmother
11/7 - It rhymes and its 7-11 backward (nobody said that they were great reasons)
11/9 - Because its our due date
11/13- Again because its close to Brent's b-day
11/17- Anniversary of our first date

So baby has lots of days to chose from. Of course, Jennifer is just hoping for soon so she won't be bored on maternity leave. She doesn't do too well with nothing to do and she can't imagine having time off with no plans. so she's starting to get antsy.

Almost there

We're at the point now where every day could be THE day. We're as ready as we could be, nesting more along the way (i.e. cleaning the garage, weeding, sifting through old magazines, etc.)

We visited the Outlets today. The highlight was Carter's. It's amazing how cute all those little clothes are! We got adorable outfits for Thanksgiving and Christmas, the latter with little reindeer feet!

Jennifer continues her twice-a-week visits to the hospital for non-stress tests and ultrasound. Our last trip (Friday) was nearly a five-hour affair. Baby's non-stress test wasn't to the nurse and doc's liking (she was moving around too much, making for insufficient readings).

We were talking this week about how FAST the summer went. Seems like yesterday we were celebrating Jen's birthday in May with friends in Las Vegas.

Baby's almost here

Well, the doctor says baby Conklin could come at any time and we're certainly starting to see signs that that is true. Contractions are starting to come more frequently (the practice kind, not the real thing) and baby is certainly pushing down. During our last visit the doctor said we were 1 cm dialated and 60% effaced. We'll be interested to see how those numbers change when we go in for this week's visit.

We did have a scare late Saturday night when we thought it might be time to go to the hospital. Jennifer was having lots of contractions rapidly, not incredibly painful, but not comfortable either. In the end, she decided to get some sleep and see how things went and sure enough, by morning they were gone. Just another example of how baby is a night owl.

We're as prepared as we can be on the home front. We bought the stroller and car seat over the weekend and Brent will have the car seat installed and inspected on Monday. We also bought a ton of diapers and all of the last minute necessities. Sunday night we made some dinners and froze them so we'll be prepared for after she comes and we're just too tired to cook. Bags are still packed and sitting by the door ready to take to the hospital, Herald got a bath and his nails and hair clipped and the house is clean. I don't think there is much more we can do other than wait. So wait we will.

Baby classes and due dates

So far we've attended baby care basics where we learned how to wash, diaper and swaddle a baby. I had no idea that Brent had only changed one diaper in his entire life. No worries, I"m sure he'll get plenty of practice in about a month.

We also attended baby CPR and learned what to do with a choking baby. And I took a class on breast feeding.

So all we have left is the two-day baby birthing bootcamp which is scheduled for next weekend. As far as I'm concerned, once we've taken that class this baby can come as soon as she'd like. Although - as folks in the newsroom keep pointing out - it'd be great if she waited until after elections. Having said that, Brent is predicting election night as her time of arrival. Of course he also likes the sound of 11-13 (his birthday is 1-13) and he likes 11-17 (the anniversary of our first date). As for me, any day is good for me now that her lungs are fully developed. :) She's starting to get pretty heavy and she's pushing down and getting into position which is pretty normal for 36 weeks.

On Friday we also started our twice weekly monitoring sessions at the hospital. We thought we'd be there less than an hour and ended up getting there at 9:30 and didn't leave until 12:30. Three hours, twice a week! I'm not sure I have time for that plus my weekly doctor visit, but I think the alternative is bed rest and I REALLY don't have the time or patience for that. The high point of our Friday visit was that I got to see her perfect little face. She was staring right at me and she waved at me. Awwwww. What a ham. Sadly, they wouldn't let Brent come back to see the ultrasound, but he did get to watch her heart beat jump up and down every time she kicked me.

Venti kindness

Our friends at Starbucks surprised us with a baby gift yesterday. While waiting for drinks at the drivethrough window, Marian (the manager) handed Brent a card (signed by most of the baristas) and a pink onesy with the Starbucks logo. How cool was that?! How nice of them to think of us like that. Maybe that means we go to Starbucks too much ... ? Oh well. Thank you, Starbucks friends!

Virtual shower

You know you move too much when all of your friends live in completely different parts of the country and not next door or down the street. A conundrum for planning a baby shower for most people. But, Jennifer's amazing friend Angie used a little creativity and threw a wonderful shower for us this weekend.

So, thanks to Angie and everyone else who called and sent gifts the past few days. What a cool idea, complete with mail-order cookies and balloons! Angie, you're the best. Thank you. We had a blast getting calls and e-mails from afar. And those cookies are amazing! Wish all of you could've been here to enjoy some.

The baby bump

Week 35: The Glucose Files

After what seemed like 1,856 (but was actually only four) three-hour glucose tests, Jennifer received word this week that she has gestational diabetes. As the doctor said, when you take the test over and over, you're just asking to get a positive result at some point.

She took a class at the hospital Friday and is now required to do the finger-prick glucose test four times a day for the remainder of the pregnancy. We're also closely watching the amount of carbs in her diet. That, of course, has led us to realize that the best foods in life are full of carbs!

On average, the onset of gestational diabetes is at week 26 of pregnancy. With that in mind, we guess the silver lining for Jennifer is nine fewer weeks of finger pricking and nine weeks where she could actually eat fruit and french fries.

Baby room tour

OK. Finally got the video camera up and rolling. Hopefully the quality of these things will get better the more I do it.

Blue Man Group

We saw the amazing Blue Man Group on Saturday night at Universal Orlando. It was so loud at times that we're certain Baby heard all the commotion! Then we had Mom and one the Blue Men pose for a portrait.

Week 33

It's a busy time for Mom and baby. They've been slammed at work getting a new publishing system on the ground, i.e. ironing out tons of wrinkles and training the stuff. Phew. There's certainly no rest for the weary. EXCEPT ... Mom and Dad will have an anniversary celebration weekend at Universal Studios. We'll be staying two nights at the Royal Pacific Resort. It's a Loew's Hotel, so Herald is coming along. Blue Man Group tickets have been secured for Saturday night. We'll eat at one of Emeril's establishments beforehand. ... Has it been three years already! Wow. Time flies.

Week 32

The baby room is finally finished!!! We bought and assembled the crib and changing table last week and the room looks adorable. All we need now is the baby! She actually is acting like she wants to come out, kicking and twisting and turning all the time.

We went to our first class at the hospital on Saturday morning. Baby care basics was fun. They even used a guest baby (Ainsley Jane) to show the class how to bathe and swaddle our little ones.

Lastly, we are now the proud owners of a video camera. Once we figure it out, we'll take a video tour of the baby room and post it.

Week 31

Are we there yet?! Are we there yet?! Not quite, but we're in the homestretch at Week 31.

Baby Girl has been kicking and twisting. And Jennifer? Oh, she's been wincing. I'm not sure how woman do this. I'd be whining nonstop if I had to go through a pregnancy. Jen, on the contrary, has been a tremendous trooper. "Ow!" — yep, another kick.

Jen says she can't wait to have a mojito and raw oysters on the half-shell. We'll have to arrange that.

Mom's back!

It's a lazy Saturday afternoon at the Conklin house. Jen got back late last night from an exhausting week of work in Columbus, Ga. So exhausting that she's taking a nap as we speak. Oh, Herald is thrilled to have his mommy back. He's snuggled up next to her. They are too cute for words.

As for the past week on the homefront, I met with a third pediatrician. I liked him a lot and hope Jen will get to meet him before we make the final call. I also did some more work on the baby room, caulking the crown moulding gaps. All that needs to be done now is a little paint touch-up. Gotta find a crib, too. That's pretty important!

Week 29

It's been a few weeks since we've posted so I thought I'd do a quick update.

I'm starting to get pretty big. (Yes, I know we need to post a photo.) But, I'm still feeling pretty good despite having had a nasty cold all week.

The doctor said that I need to get all the rest I can so my body can kick this thing. I've really tried this week to rest but between Fay heading our way and a work trip that I'm leaving for this Sunday there hasn't been any time. I did take one day off of work to get some rest and I think that helped. Brent and I are planning to do nothing on Saturday except for relaxing and packing so that should help too.

I leave Sunday morning for Columbus, Ga and will be out of town for a week.

Trimester number three

We've finally made it to the final trimester, so that means soon I won't be able to see my feet.

Actually, I'm doing really well so far. I'm still getting around great and have a good amount of energy. Although my tummy is getting rounder everyday. Earlier this week we took another glucose test so I have lovely bruises from where they took blood every hour. So, I have two bruises on each arm. We should have the results of the test tomorrow.

Baby Conklin weighs in at around 2 pounds and should have her fingerprints and eyelashes this week. She still really enjoys kicking me and gets the the hiccups from time to time. (Which is an odd feeling).

Its really encouraging to know that with each day that passes she gets more and more able to live on her own. Before we know it she'll be here sleeping in her beautiful room.

Baby room

There certainly was a lot of blood, sweat, tears, paint and liquid nails. But now it's done, with the exception of a some minor touchups and two key pieces of furniture. It certainly screams little girl's room. We joked the other night: What if the sonogram lady was wrong and it turned out we were having a boy? I guess we'd be painting over the pink with some blue and returning some clothes!

For now, Mr. Bear is keeping watch in the room. Oh, it's Teddy to those who know him best.

More room pics

Baby birds

The baby theme abounds at our house. Even the wildlife is getting into the act.

An empty planter outside our front door is occupied by a mommy bird and her babies. She set up shop a few weeks back and now we hear the babies chirping all the time. For now, replanting flowers will just have to wait until they depart.

Ironically, our baby's room is on the other side of the wall.

Week 25

Mommy and baby are back from their week at the UNITY convention in Chicago. I've never been so tired in my life. Waking up at 6 a.m. and staying out until midnight is not the way to live when you're six months pregnant. Luckily I have a lot of great friends who did a terrific job of watching out for me.

After a couple of days on my feet at the convention, my legs and feet were so swollen that I was forced to slow my pace and turn in earlier each night. I guess it was a way for my body to tell me to slow down and it worked. By the end of the trip, Brent insisted on upgrading my flights home to business class and I was thankful he did.

On the baby front, she's about 1.5 lbs this week and is still doing quite a bit of kicking. I think she kicks when she's bored. She probably takes after me and hates to do nothing. So during the convention she was pretty quiet when I was running around, but whenever I was in a session or listening to speeches she would kick. She also likes to kick as I'm falling asleep at night.

By this week her hands are fully developed with mini-fingernails and she can curl them into a fist. Perhaps punches are accompanying her kicks.

Baby's room is coming along. Brent and his dad painted the ceiling green and the walls pink and started installing wainscoting and chair railing. The armoire and ottoman have arrived and we are planning on picking up the crib, mattress and glider this week. By next week we should have some photos ready to post of the room. Brent's parents are buying us the ottoman and glider and my grandmother has purchased the crib and mattress. (Thanks, everyone!)

Also this week we have an appointment with the OB. We're meeting the last doctor in the practice.

In the next couple of weeks we'll also need to make a final decision on a pediatrician. We've interviewed two so far and liked them both. We have one more interview to conduct. We've also started contacting nannies, although we're hoping to arrange our schedules so that we won't need one.

Our last exciting note is that a couple of weeks ago we received a baby gift from my parents. They bought us a new energy star washer and dryer so we can save electricity and water while washing all of those tiny baby things. I can't believe what a difference they already have made. Our laundry time has been cut down and our clothes smell yummy. (Thanks, mom and dad!)

Nesting is so exhausting

We spent part of Sunday cleaning out the baby's room. Apparently it was just too much hard work for Herald.

24 weeks

Phew. As of today, the baby has a chance of survival outside of mommy. Somehow that's such a relief to know even though we keep telling her to stay in there. After all, as long as she's inside there are no diapers to change. :)

Today we're having our traditional British Open Sunday breakfast in bed. Brent always makes breakfast (sweet potato pancakes this year) and we watch golf. Or at least Brent watches golf while I doze in and out. Just think, next year baby will be joining us in this tradition. At 8 months she'll be eating a few solid foods.

Baby room update: The wainscoting has been purchased from Lowe's. They usually don't do a bunch of special cuts for customers, but Tim the Lowe's Man was generous enough to help us out. With an assist from Dad C on Wednesday, Brent is hoping to get a bunch of work done on the room this week.

WELL-TRAVELED

So far, baby Conklin has been to so many fun places. Within Florida, she's been to Disney and to the beach. She has also been to Las Vegas and last week she was in Macon, Ga. Next week, she'll be in Chicago. Phew. This daughter of ours is taking after her mom and racking up the miles. When I was a baby (less than a year old) my family moved to Korea. Not an easy flight for my mom, I'm sure.

Anyway, next week at the UNITY convention, baby Conklin will get to listen to the presidential candidates speak. Perhaps the early start with politics will lead her into a political role someday. Of course, she'll also be spending the week surrounded by journalists. I'm not sure that mom and dad would really encourage either as a job.

As for more trips, the only other thing baby Conklin has planned before she enters the world is a work trip to Columbus, Ga., in August. Then we can settle in and wait for her arrival. Can't wait.

Day of fun

We had a wonderful day Saturday enjoying some time before I head out of town. We visited the South Florida Museum, where we watched Snooty get fed. He is our resident manatee and the oldest known manatee. He turns 60 in a couple of days and still acts like a kid. After Snoots, we went to the planetarium to watch a show. Sadly, a dark, cool room + 23 weeks of pregnancy = a nap. So, I slept through most of the show, but Brent says it was great and I enjoyed the opening credits and my nap.

At that point we were starving, so we headed to the beach and had lunch at Rotten Ralph's on the pier. For dessert we went to an ice cream parlor across from the beach and shared a sundae. We walked off our lunch and sundae on the beach and frolicked a little in the water. In the end, we both got a lot more wet then we intended, but we had a great time watching the sea life and looking for shells. Baby kicked a lot while we were at the beach, so she must be a beach girl like her parents. :)

23 weeks

Slowly, but surely, the weeks are melting away. Just 17 until delivery! Mommy and baby have a busy two weeks ahead. First a trip to Macon, Ga., to set up our newspaper's new publishing system. A return trip home for the weekend will be followed by a week in Chicago for the UNITY journalists conference, where baby will get to hear Barack Obama and John McCain talk. (For all we knew, she could be born on Election Day!)

Mom has been having major pain in her tailbone, aka coccydynia. Doctor says baby is pushing up against the tailbone. Nothing to do now except deal with the pain. Fast forward: Doc says if baby can't come out because of the tailbone, it will have to be broken during delivery. Gulp!

22 weeks

The baby is now 22 weeks old, which according to our reading material, means the baby is one pound and one foot long. This could explain why she's been kicking mommy A LOT. Trying to make more elbow room, we guess :)

We can't imagine how's she gonna be in a few weeks when her weight doubles.

Happy Fourth!

Baby was kicking quite a bit yesterday and she's starting out again this morning. Brent was able to feel his second kick. That's the baby's way of saying Happy Fourth of July (!), I guess. Happy Fourth, everyone!

Dick Vitale weighs in

We were talking to Dick Vitale the other day (no big thing, he's a neighbor) and I explained to him how Jennifer was expecting our first child in November. "Oh, congratulations," he said. I continued, "My wife's a Jayhawk and I'm a Volunteer, so who do you think the baby should root for?" He didn't hesitate. "Jayhawks, baby!" OK, chalk one up for Rock Chalk Jayhawk, straight from Dickie V.

For the record, Vitale is a resident of Lakewood Ranch, Fla., and he eats at his favorite restaurant, The Broken Egg, every day he's in town. We've seen him twice there now.

21 weeks and counting

Today we visited our OB for our monthly visit. Brent was able to use the doppler to find the baby's heartbeat. Looks like her heart is in the perfect range. The doctor also measured my tummy and pronounced that the baby is the perfect size. So, it's official, she's perfect all around.

A place to rest her head

We put together the baby's first sleeping quarters last night. We found this Eddie Bauer bassinet at Marshalls for what seemed like a triple-clearance price. We couldn't pass on it. It rocks, plays music and has a storage area below. Very easy to assemble, too. Rock a bye, baby . . .

I felt a kick!

After a few weeks of Jen being able to feel the baby kick and flutter inside her belly, I was finally able to join in the fun at around 1:45 a.m. Sunday. I put hand to belly and I felt and saw — yep, saw! — a kick that would've made David Beckham proud! Wow, how cool!

Due to popular demand

Here's my belly bump at week 21 for all of my far away friends.

More baby photos

Baby time at the Herald

Jennifer isn't  the only Herald employee expecting a baby. Reporter Stacey Eidson is expecting a boy in early October. We got the two together Thursday night for a photo. They didn't coordinate the purple tops — just a coincidence.

Baby registries

We've had folks ask about where we've registered, so here goes:

1. Babies R Us

2. Target

3. Pottery Barn Kids

Our new blog

Welcome friends and family to our baby blog. I'm sure most of you know by now that the baby in Jen's belly is a girl. Last Thursday's ultrasound was the most wonderful doctor's visit of this entire process thus far. It was a picture of sheer beauty that had Jennifer and I smiling from ear to ear. I'm not sure you could've squeezed any more love into us at that moment.

Baby girl was extremely active in that small place it now calls home. She was wiggling around, sucking her thumb, grabbing her foot, punching mommy (sorry, Jen) and swallowing. It's amazing how such a fledgling little being can have such a personality. Human beings are amazing creatures, aren't we?!

Some housekeeping items:

1. Our doctors have fluctuated on the due date, but we're certain the date is Nov. 9. Yep, we know, the possibility of her being born on that date is a little unlikely. But it's the date we're pointing toward. Personally, I'd like her to come on Nov. 17. That would be the anniversary of our hockey date in Raleigh. I just think that would be somewhat poetic.

2. Yes, we have a name. No, I'm sorry, we're not sharing it. We love all of you, but we wanted to have at least one secret.

3. Baby room details: We're going shabby shic. Colors are pink with light green accents. Our ambitious plan is to have big pop with some wainscoting. Anyone out there ever tackle a wainscoting project? We'd love to hear about it.

4. This blog: We plan to write at least once a week — but hopefully more — so come back and visit.

Brent

It's a girl