Answers

Today we had our appointment with Dr. Baron, a high-risk pregnancy doctor in Sarasota. She'll be partnering with our OB when we get pregnant again to help us get through the pregnancy.

Today's visit was about starting to find answers to what happened with Lilly. After they did the pathology testing on my placenta they told us that Lilly's passing was not a cord-related death.

The pathology test came back inconclusive, but Dr. Baron thinks there are enough signs that point to a blood clotting disorder to warrant a barrage of blood testing. We'll do the blood tests next week along with yet another multi-hour glucose test.

The good news: If it is in fact a blood clotting disorder, we'll know what happened. Although even then, the doctor thinks the speed at which things went from fine to awful is unusual.

The bad news: If it wasn't a blood clotting disorder, we'll probably never know what happened. Also, the disorder puts me at a high risk for a stroke later in life. It also means that during subsequent pregnancies I'll need to give myself two shots a day.

The doctor thinks the combo of my placenta being 1/2 the size of a usual pregnancy mixed with a large spot in the placenta that was calcified (dead) indicate blood clots cutting off growth to the placenta and therefore nourishment to Lilly. But because Lilly was such a healthy size, there was no indication that she was not getting the nourishment she needed.

Also, the blood-clotting issue would be genetic and there are no indications in my family that point to the disorder.

I guess we still have no answers and today I'm feeling somewhere between defeated and angry at the world. Angry because I've always taken such good care of my health and yet I'm not healthy. Meanwhile so many people are not careful and have healthy babies.

In the end, I think you can choose to let this make you cynical and angry or you can try to heal and grow. Today I was angry, but I know that tomorrow we'll choose to let this make us stronger.